If there is one lesson I wish I had learned earlier in life, it is this:
Seeking validation is one of the most exhausting ways to live.
I don’t think most people consciously decide to become dependent on approval. It happens gradually. We learn that praise feels good. Recognition feels good. Being accepted feels good. There is nothing wrong with that. We are social creatures, and wanting connection is part of being human.
The problem begins when validation stops being something we appreciate and starts becoming something we need.
For a long time, I didn’t realize how much of my behavior was influenced by other people’s opinions. I thought I was making choices for myself, but when I looked closely, many of my decisions were driven by a desire to be liked, admired, accepted, or respected.
I think this is more common among men than many people realize.
Many men are taught from an early age that their worth is measured by achievement. Success earns approval. Confidence earns approval. Strength earns approval. Wealth earns approval. The message is often subtle, but it is everywhere.
You start to believe that your value depends on how other people see you.
That is where the trouble begins.
The Approval Trap
What makes validation so dangerous is that it never feels permanent.
You get the promotion.
You receive compliments.
You accomplish a goal.
You gain attention.
For a brief moment, you feel satisfied.
Then something strange happens.
The feeling fades.
You begin looking for the next source of approval.
The next achievement.
The next compliment.
The next confirmation that you are good enough.
It becomes a cycle that is impossible to win because external validation has an expiration date.
No matter how much approval you receive, it rarely fixes deeper insecurities.
In my experience, validation is like drinking salt water when you’re thirsty. It provides temporary relief while making the underlying problem worse.
Social Media Made It Worse
I believe social media has amplified this problem dramatically.
Every platform encourages comparison.
Every platform encourages performance.
Every platform encourages people to present carefully edited versions of their lives.
It becomes easy to measure your worth through likes, comments, followers, attention, and engagement.
I have seen people become obsessed with appearing successful instead of becoming successful.
There is a huge difference.
One builds a life.
The other builds an image.
Images require constant maintenance.
Real lives require substance.
The more energy we invest in managing appearances, the less energy we invest in becoming the people we actually want to be.
The Cost Nobody Talks About
The hidden cost of seeking validation is not just disappointment.
It is the loss of freedom.
When your self-worth depends on approval, your decisions stop belonging entirely to you.
You start asking questions like:
“What will people think?”
“Will this impress anyone?”
“Will this make me look successful?”
“Will I be judged if I fail?”
Those questions can quietly shape an entire life.
I believe many people stay in careers they dislike because they want approval.
Many remain in unhealthy relationships because they fear disapproval.
Many avoid risks because they fear embarrassment.
Many hide parts of themselves because they want acceptance.
The pursuit of validation often leads us away from authenticity.
We stop asking what we truly want.
Instead, we ask what will earn applause.
Confidence and Validation Are Not the Same Thing
One of the biggest misconceptions I once had was confusing confidence with approval.
I thought confident people were those who received the most validation.
Today, I see it differently.
True confidence is not built on praise.
It is built on self-trust.
A confident person can appreciate approval without depending on it.
They can receive criticism without collapsing.
They can make unpopular decisions when necessary.
They can fail without questioning their worth.
That kind of confidence comes from within.
It cannot be handed to you by strangers, coworkers, followers, or even people you love.
It has to be developed internally.
The Shift That Changed My Perspective
At some point, I began asking myself a different question.
Instead of asking:
“Do people approve of me?”
I started asking:
“Do I respect myself?”
That question changed everything.
Because self-respect cannot be purchased.
It cannot be borrowed.
It cannot be faked.
It comes from living according to your values.
It comes from honesty.
It comes from integrity.
It comes from doing what you believe is right, even when nobody is watching.
The older I get, the more I believe self-respect matters far more than approval.
Approval is temporary.
Character stays with you.
My Honest View
My honest view is that most of us spend at least part of our lives chasing validation.
I certainly did.
But eventually you realize that no amount of approval can permanently fill a void created by a lack of self-acceptance.
People’s opinions will always change.
Trends will change.
Standards will change.
Public approval can disappear overnight.
If your identity is built on those things, it will always feel unstable.
The strongest foundation is learning to value yourself independently of constant praise.
That does not mean becoming arrogant.
It does not mean ignoring feedback.
It simply means understanding that your worth as a person cannot be determined by applause.
In my opinion, one of the most powerful moments in life is when you stop asking for permission to be yourself.
That is when validation loses its power.
And that is when genuine confidence finally begins.
Good luck.
Stay strong and keep moving forward.
— RG
Founder, Real Grit for Men
“Strength is built one decision at a time.”
